The Diagnostic Manual of Feminine Behavior: The Pick-me Girl
Introduction
It will not surprise you, dear reader, that I’ve been called a pick-me girl several times. These are the contradictions and assumptions inherent in that accusation. The pick-me girl is a convenient trope for women who consider themselves feminist to neutralize a woman who could be competition professionally, socially, or romantically. This is also my first attempt at satire.
Diagnostic Manual for Approved Feminine Behavior
Condition: The Pick-me girl
DEFINITION
The Pick-Me girl is gender non-conforming in ways that threaten feminism, and rehabilitation may be required to induce personality change. The Pick-Me Girl’s behavior is solely intended for male attention. If the subject claims a queer identity, the below does not apply.
WARNING
The following symptoms indicate a dangerous deviation from approved feminine behavior patterns. More severe cases may require consultation with a gender transition specialist or gender identity reassignment.
Self Presentation & Professionalism
I. GENDER EXPRESSION DISORDER
Appears feminine but acts masculine.
Refuses to diminish herself to make women comfortable. Will not neutralize herself as competition.
E.g., competes with women unfairly with her male coded personality but still appears feminine enough to receive attention.
Does not disavow heterosexuality to get the proper permits to behave as a male.
E.g., refuses to become non-binary or queer to properly license her personality as Non-Threatening™.
Refuses to dress androgynously to eliminate sexual competition threat to sisters.
Declines to get cosmetic treatments; insistence on aging naturally.
E.g., dismisses lip fillers as unhealthy in the middle of brunch while her friends discuss celebrity procedures.
II. MALE PROXIMITY DISORDER
Fits in with men without trying. Prefers male friends due to internalized misogyny.
Shows a concerning tendency to socialize with men while also not taking their bullshit.
E.g., speaks her mind or interrupts men who explain concepts already understood (colloq. ‘mansplaining’).
Converses without relating to personal trauma, other people, or the patriarchy
E.g., attempts to smother laughter when a friend explains how she cut off another ‘toxic’ friend for asking why the patriarchy is responsible for her lack of promotion.
Tendency to laugh at problematic jokes, which are usually the funniest.
Doesn’t take offense at male speech patterns.
E.g., Readily answers to ‘dude’ and ‘you guys’ like a heteronormative woman. Does not criticize problematic speech.
III. TOXIC IMPROVEMENT SYNDROME
Insists women should improve themselves as people; diminishes other women with her personal growth.
Believes in agency, free will, and personal responsibility.
E.g., sounds too much like David Brooks in her insistence that women build inner character.
Values building hard skills and logical reasoning.
Has a career in ‘STEM’ and doesn’t complain about ‘microaggressions’ or systemic sexism daily.
E.g., responds to the aging manager who always asks if he can show her his ‘galactic bulge’ by telling him she doesn’t specialize in objects of sub-atomic size. Does not complain to HR ladies to solve her problem.
May look to the ideas of men for self improvement.
E.g., reads dead white philosophers. Gives friends a ‘funny look’ when they choose Ibram Kendi for book club over Problematic White Man Marcus Aurelius; uncomfortably points out Kendi’s primary contribution to humanity as advising more racism to solve racism.
IV. MERIT FIXATION
Engages in open competition with men and women based on skill and ability.
Willing to disagree with women to reach the correct conclusion.
Unwilling to compete for likability among her sisters.
E.g., particularly resistant if it involves diminishing herself, gossiping about others; does not agree that the boss is a misogynist phallofascist for paying the one man with the most experience more than the woman who just graduated with a master’s in Studies Studies.
Prefers meritocratic selection over assumption that women are superior to men at work.
E.g., judges other women based on their abilities and recognizes when her male colleagues are correct.
Disbelief in the concept that attractive women have an advantage in life (colloq. ‘pretty privilege’).
V. SOCIAL MEDIA SKEPTICISM
Unwilling to turn herself into a walking advertisement.
Says she hates social media, especially refuses to use TikTok.
E.g., does not wear thong bikinis. Does not maximize cleavage. Does not entice men to enter DMs followed by complaints of pictures of penises (colloq. ‘dick pics’).
Refuses to take selfies.
E.g., refuses to manga the hell out of them with Photoshop, which makes the department photo for the company newsletter look ugly with her microscopic eyes, wide jaw and natural, less-than-silky-smooth hair
Experiences a place rather than taking pictures
E.g., HOW DO WE KNOW SHE WAS EVEN THERE in Rome when there’s nothing on Instagram? Isn’t she the ‘evidence chick’ who doesn’t believe anything without ironclad proof?
Refuses to measure worth in terms of followers and likes.
E.g., resists performing trauma or dances on TikTok. Becomes aggressive if women create Content in her presence.
Interpersonal Dynamics
I. COMMUNICATION DYSFUNCTION
Inability to speak with decorous indirectness. Rejection of feminine communication protocols.
Speaks in clear, direct statements.
Preference for logic over emotion when seeking truth.
E.g., “How does my argument for a meritocratic hiring process make you feel ‘unsafe’? Or are you not qualified by meritocratic standards?”
Trying too hard to elevate vocabulary and eloquence.
E.g., uses phrases from Tech Bullshit, Educational Jargon and the Academic Phrase Generator).
Enjoys debate and argument for their own sake.
E.g., disagrees with the argument that Logic is white supremacy. Requires reasons for arguments others make.
II. CONFLICT ENGAGEMENT TENDENCY
Addresses conflict directly. Creates disharmony among women by disagreeing.
Preference to discuss interpersonal issues directly with the person in question.
E.g., addressing a conflict rather than dragging the HR manager into it, who always reaches for her bottle of Maalox every time she encounters the pick-me girl.
Believes disagreement with opinions isn’t literal or figurative violence.
May cite lived experience and academic sources in her arguments.
Asks dangerous questions about the logical coherence of political ideas
E.g., Asks whether patriarchy is truly why women bully each other or what a woman even is (colloq. ‘internalized misogyny’).
Threatening group cohesion with disagreement
E.g., Arguing her position based on the Eurocentric slave-owning white supremacist fascist Enlightenment value of reason and citing the Scientific Method as evidence of her conclusions (colloq. ‘White Supremacy Culture’).
III. ANTI-VICTIM COMPLEX
Refuses to accept that women are oppressed. Does not see herself as a victim of patriarchy.
Opposed to the sisterhood.
E.g., believes women are people, in the sense that they also make mistakes and can abuse power.
Prefers to be known for her personality and contributions over her traumas.
E.g., LOLed at her friend in the group chat who still doesn’t understand why she didn’t get promoted to VP of Bureaucratic Obstruction.
Refuses to blame personal problems on systemic racism and sexism (colloq. Closet Republican).
E.g., points to her consistent 4.0 GPA in college, her regular inclusion on the Dean’s List, and her willingness to challenge the CRO’s contention that they needed to trim salaries a bit in difficult economic times
May insist on people taking responsibility for their feelings and actions
E.g., especially when their problems are so First World, even Nicki Minaj is like, “Bitch, you need to grow up!”
Considers intent over impact in her judgments of behavior.
Insufficiently deferential to the feminine victim hierarchy; refuses to recognize other women’s moral superiority for being more oppressed based on their race or gender performance.
DIAGNOSIS
Patient is a traitor to the sisterhood; conversion therapy to Instagram feminism is prescribed. Patient must be stopped from self-actualization and personal advancement.
PRESCRIBED TREATMENTS BY SEVERITY
Mild: Re-education recommended. Light TikTok dance therapy; videos about internalized misogyny & patriarchy.
Medium: Transition patient to non-binary or male to neutralize competition to women.
Severe: Initiate social ostracism protocols while publicly preaching inclusivity. Strip patient of social position. Internet cancellation and anonymous complaints to employer highly recommended.
PROGNOSIS:
This condition is highly contagious and may cause other women to question approved feminist behavioral norms. If the pick-me remains unchecked, feminism risks crumbling under the weight of its own contradictions.
I thank
(for her humorous editing), , , , and for getting me over the finish line and encouraging me to experiment. You helped me access some lightness I forgot I had.
‘Pick me’ = a way to dismiss and discredit women, invented by people who claim that women are too often dismissed and discredited.
"MA in Studies Studies"... LMAO