Lies I was sold about success as a woman

and some epiphanies

I thought success was about working hard and proving myself to people above me. I thought climbing involved mere hard work and job applications and that someone would notice. Obviously, this was naive. The more I tried to prove myself, the more miserable I was, and the more I blamed everyone else for my career stagnation. The insult on top of injury was that people did notice I was talented and could do more, but they took advantage of me because I didn’t understand my own worth.

There are men and women out there who will stand in your way, especially if you’re a competent woman. But the story is far more complicated than “women don’t climb because men are holding them back.” Clinging to it makes us feel better if we failed at achieving our ambitions. Success requires discomfort and looking in the mirror.

It’s no coincidence that I got increasing rewards and secured my position in the labor market after casting off feminism and social justice culture, finding religion again, and balancing the chaotic eros within me with logos — disciplining my emotions. There is no success without this. It does not mean squashing emotions but rather taking responsibility for them. Who is actually served by my getting angry over someone’s behavior or being passed over? What am I going to do about it instead of complaining?

This will sound ridiculous, but I finally had to get over the false ideas about merit I was sold: that credentials, playing by the rules, and working hard will get me what I want. I was taught these bad ideas by other women verbally and by example. And before you protest: the majority of degrees are earned by women, HR is overwhelmingly women (the first gatekeepers), higher education is largely run by women, women take the lion’s share of humanities and social science degrees, many humanities fields have more female professors than male, and women reason differently than men. We are arguably wired to follow rules, which is why we do so well in school. And rule-following does keep you stagnant.

I’m not critiquing any individual woman but the collective disciplinary regime we exercise over each other that keeps most of us from getting where we want to go. The qualities that lead to success are squashed in women by other women: analytical ability, direct communication, competitiveness, risk-taking. I’m saying we need to rise above our evolutionary instincts to succeed and women have punished me for doing so, even while professing their feminist credentials and bragging about uplifting other women.

And for those of you who object to my assertion about how we’re wired, I ask you this: do you or do you not accept the principles of evolution? If so, all behaviors are the result of evolutionary conditioning; you cannot selectively believe that evolution explains how we are and reject it when it doesn’t suit your narrative. If you don’t accept the principles of evolution, let me also ask: what do you think social conditioning is if not the result of centuries of psychological development intended to ensure human survival? And who is doing the conditioning of women? From where I’m standing, women are agents and men aren’t forcing us to behave any kind of way. Women have conditioned me throughout life. Patriarchy has never been a real obstacle for me, but matriarchy certainly has.

Whether intentionally or not, we socialize each other into failure. But it’s more complex than that, even: people with analytical abilities, rare and valuable skills, and a network can go far if they are disciplined and know their worth.

So here are some observations that have come from many friends and acquaintances (and even some of you) asking me for career advice.

A brief history of my working life

I’ve been in the following industries and functions:

Industries/sectors

1. Teaching (K-12)

2. Financial services

3. Advertising Tech (Google & others)

4. Healthcare B2B Tech

5. Healthcare, working for a hospital

6. Technical consulting - freelance and for multiple firms

Positions/functions

1. Teacher

2. Recruiter

3. Call center rep

4. Marketer

5. Program manager

6. Project manager

7. Product manager

8. Solution architect on my way to becoming even more technical

So, I can say that I’ve meandered and worked my way into increasingly secure positions requiring analytical and interpersonal skills. I’m not easily replaceable by AI (at least not yet) because I translate human desires and follies to technical systems. And the amount of recruiters in my inbox daily confirms it. I managed to get a raise in a difficult market and am positioned to climb further because of my combination of skills that few people appear to have. Even if I got fired tomorrow, my skills can’t be taken from me. I am a generalist with a wide range of specialized abilities which means I can always make money, even if I have to work independently.

Some Radically Pragmatic lessons

Here are some realizations I had on my way to stability. These are my observations. I will not suffer anyone coming at me with nuance trolling on these.

1. Rare and valuable skills, relationships and analytical abilities matter more than credentials. Credentials cease mattering five years into your career for most functions.

   1. My analytical brain and interpersonal skills are the primary factors in the jobs I’ve landed. And eventually, people will have a sense of you even if they don’t know you.

2. Women are kept in line and less competitive by feminine behavioral norms enforced by other women, often in the name of feminism.

   1. Yes, the occasional man will punish you for your personality, but I have experienced more women trying to squash my personality and scapegoat me. If men scapegoat you, you’ll know it’s happening. If women do, by the time you realize it’ll be too late because all female fighting is indirect.

   2. While women are arguing about advancement based on DEI ‘ideas,’ men advance through their own networks. These networks are not necessarily exclusive of women; not enough competent women emerge from the secondary competition they’re mired in with other women to actually compete with men on their turf.

3. Merit is a combination of analytical ability, tangible skills, reputation, and relationships; what we call a combo of ‘soft’ and ‘hard’ skills. These four assets position you for the best opportunities.

   1. Yes, incompetent people sometimes sail through but more often than not, I’ve seen those people get their due. I have not yet failed with those four assets.

4. Alignment with those who have power and influence is crucial, who be those not in formal managerial positions.

   1. Power acquisition is about influencing people to do the right things around you, not an imposition from the top.

   2. Being a manager doesn’t automatically give you actual power if you lack influence and respect.

   3. This doesn’t mean sucking up to people but it does mean figuring out how you can be of help to others who can lift you up. And they will remember that you helped.

5. You need to make allies of both men and women to advance.

   1. Limiting yourself to female mentors and sponsors will not suffice in male dominated industries because, well, math.

   2. If you’re in a female dominated industry with an analytical brain, godspeed (this would be a whole other essay).

   3. Because men are more comfortable with open competition, they will likely respect you more for your abilities than the women you encounter. I’ve learned this lesson too many times.

   4. Women are more likely to immediately see you as competition than men, but they still won’t compete openly because we’ve evolved to employ relational aggression instead.

   5. Women who communicate well and have hard skills are in better positions than those in purely communication oriented and administrative functions. And unfortunately, there are a lot more women without hard skills than with. So play nice, but also don’t wait for your competition to help you. If you’re a woman who can be warm, communicate well and be analytical, you’re golden.

As usual, I’m sure I’ve offended a few of you. But those I haven’t, please share what else you’ve learned.