I've been laid out with strep for a week now, and it's showing in a big way. My husband is a good man, but he literally doesn't even *notice* stuff that needs doing around the house. Everything goes to hell if I'm out of town for a weekend, or sick for three days. Maybe it's not the end of the world if h…
I've been laid out with strep for a week now, and it's showing in a big way. My husband is a good man, but he literally doesn't even *notice* stuff that needs doing around the house. Everything goes to hell if I'm out of town for a weekend, or sick for three days. Maybe it's not the end of the world if he's so laid back that kids leaving dirty socks on the table doesn't bother him. It's a lot less OK that it doesn't occur to him to do laundry or dishes until he's out of clean pants, or has used the last clean plate. To be fair to him, I've made a list of the stuff that really has to get done each day in order not to get a vermin infestation in the house, and he is keeping us up to basic hygienic standards while I try to recover (yeah, not usually online this much, but ATM get winded being upright more than 10 minutes.. ugh). But no, he doesn't do any of that without guidance and prompting. It's not automatic. And while that guidance and prompting is necessary when I'm ill and nobody else can do it... it's poison for the relationship in any routine context. I've tried... and I've chosen to stay married.
Which is not to rag on him. He works twelve-hour shifts, he's a great dad, and he keeps us afloat financially. He's also a pretty good cook, and does dinner on days when he's not working, and this works for us. Division of labor is a functional way to do things, when you don't have both parents working fulltime outside the home. But what I find, talking to people who do have two working parents is... the situation with housekeeping is largely the same even when both parents work-- she's the default for household stuff, he helps some (and often *thinks* he is taking an equal share, because he's unaware of how much other maintenance actually happens), but she does most of it. And this was also true for us back when we were both working.
So it's awesome if you are a dude who takes an active role in the housekeeping. Good on you. That's wonderful. IME it's not the majority. I sincerely hope that's different once you get down to the millenial generation and younger.
Interesting. 'Most of us, it's true.' Not sure that's actually true. Class is obv a HUGE factor in how this stuff gets measured, but all the men I know are AT LEAST actively involved in all aspects of raising a family: laundry, shopping, kids activities, cooking, cleaning/maintaining, school, etc. In addition to the typical 'man stuff' of vehicle maintenance, home repairs, finances, landscaping, etc. I don't know your personal marriage dynamic...but the whole 'mental load' stuff is maddening. Perhaps your guy, after working 12 hr days, etc just doesn't focus on doing things YOUR way. I dunno.
Or, perhaps it's a generational divide, or another case of "rich people privilege". IDK. I'm perfectly willing to believe that this is not your experience, among your social peers, and that's great. But please don't project.
Noted. And to be clear, I'm not looking to provoke, or 'project' (not sure what u mean by that, tbh). But the 'mental load' issue is CONSTANTLY invoked, mostly by married women, and it's just balderdash. IOW, a myth...another one that can never be falsified so it's gains traction. And then we wonder why we can't have nice things. Anyway, hope u feel better soon.
Because for most of us, it's true.
I've been laid out with strep for a week now, and it's showing in a big way. My husband is a good man, but he literally doesn't even *notice* stuff that needs doing around the house. Everything goes to hell if I'm out of town for a weekend, or sick for three days. Maybe it's not the end of the world if he's so laid back that kids leaving dirty socks on the table doesn't bother him. It's a lot less OK that it doesn't occur to him to do laundry or dishes until he's out of clean pants, or has used the last clean plate. To be fair to him, I've made a list of the stuff that really has to get done each day in order not to get a vermin infestation in the house, and he is keeping us up to basic hygienic standards while I try to recover (yeah, not usually online this much, but ATM get winded being upright more than 10 minutes.. ugh). But no, he doesn't do any of that without guidance and prompting. It's not automatic. And while that guidance and prompting is necessary when I'm ill and nobody else can do it... it's poison for the relationship in any routine context. I've tried... and I've chosen to stay married.
Which is not to rag on him. He works twelve-hour shifts, he's a great dad, and he keeps us afloat financially. He's also a pretty good cook, and does dinner on days when he's not working, and this works for us. Division of labor is a functional way to do things, when you don't have both parents working fulltime outside the home. But what I find, talking to people who do have two working parents is... the situation with housekeeping is largely the same even when both parents work-- she's the default for household stuff, he helps some (and often *thinks* he is taking an equal share, because he's unaware of how much other maintenance actually happens), but she does most of it. And this was also true for us back when we were both working.
So it's awesome if you are a dude who takes an active role in the housekeeping. Good on you. That's wonderful. IME it's not the majority. I sincerely hope that's different once you get down to the millenial generation and younger.
Interesting. 'Most of us, it's true.' Not sure that's actually true. Class is obv a HUGE factor in how this stuff gets measured, but all the men I know are AT LEAST actively involved in all aspects of raising a family: laundry, shopping, kids activities, cooking, cleaning/maintaining, school, etc. In addition to the typical 'man stuff' of vehicle maintenance, home repairs, finances, landscaping, etc. I don't know your personal marriage dynamic...but the whole 'mental load' stuff is maddening. Perhaps your guy, after working 12 hr days, etc just doesn't focus on doing things YOUR way. I dunno.
Or, perhaps it's a generational divide, or another case of "rich people privilege". IDK. I'm perfectly willing to believe that this is not your experience, among your social peers, and that's great. But please don't project.
Noted. And to be clear, I'm not looking to provoke, or 'project' (not sure what u mean by that, tbh). But the 'mental load' issue is CONSTANTLY invoked, mostly by married women, and it's just balderdash. IOW, a myth...another one that can never be falsified so it's gains traction. And then we wonder why we can't have nice things. Anyway, hope u feel better soon.
I have seriously never encountered the term "mental load" WRT housework. Again, perhaps it's a generational divide.